Okay, Really This Time

How often have I found myself say that. "Really this time."

Well, 2012 kept going down the tubes and I am quite happy to have left it behind (although I still have to deal with the repercussions into this new year).  That part makes it very difficult to move on.

But, I am.  No more excuses.

For example, this week my excuse was that my mother-in-law was in town. For a week, people!  Come on now, that is as close to a legitimate excuse as one can get.

Not to worry though, I have survived the week and tomorrow morning she boards her broom plane, and heads home.

I will try to refrain from purchasing a one-way ticket for my husband to go with her.  Yeah, that kind of week.

But this is it. No more nonsense. The holidays were not kind. I was not kind to myself and I have the waistline to show for it.  I can see it in the mirror and I can feel it now too.  That is the worst. So many times it can happen and I don't really feel or see it happening so much. Not this time.  Maybe it is an age thing.

I wasn't sure about coming back to the blog but I did have the most success when I did stick with the blog.  And my only reason for not coming back would have been for anonymity.  This fear that someone I actually know in my life will stumble across this page.

But I need to forget about that and do what I need to do.  Obviously my weight and my health and farmore important than those superficial worries.

So forward I go.

Um, tomorrow.  After she is well on her way out of the state.

I'm Baaaacckkk.

How ironic that my last post was on 2012 goals.  And then poof -- disappeared in 2012.  

Well, 2012 has been one of the worst years ever for me so far on so many levels.  

And yet I have my two beautiful daughters -- without question the sunshine in life, and so this crappiness has to stop. NOW.  So much of this year has been completely out of my control but now it is time to take control back.  

I did SO much better when I kept a blog.  I do SO much better when I track my calories, etc. on myfitnesspal app.  I kept with the app for a while but fell off the wagon again. 

I weighed in this morning at 295.  I left here last at 289.  I got down to 283 or 282 for a split second and generally maintain around 291/292.  

So back on it.  Life sometimes feels just overwhelmingly difficult and weight loss is certainly not an easy thing to do and this little private (and yet soooo public) forum is an awesome support system that I really need and miss.  

For today I am going to go visit all the blogs I follow and maybe find some new ones and try to get my head in the right place to get back on track and stay back on track.  

Wish me luck (PLEASE!).  I really need it.  

Thanks. :-)

Goals for 2012

Not that I have any specific weight loss goals for 2012, but I'd better start thinking about them!  My blanket goal: lose a grip of weight!!!

So far, so good. I was 295 at my last 2011 weigh-in and yesterday weighed in at 289.  I'll take 6 lbs in the new year.  At least something is going right (whew -- but that would be an entirely different blog!).

I wonder how realistic it is to keep up with this pace.  I don't know.  So let's say just to get to 250.  That would be awesome.  That would be 105 lbs down from my highest weight.  I am 39 lbs away from that.  So what is a realistic time for that?  Like 4 months?  Geez -- I am so impatient... that seems like so long.  So by May 1 of this year I would be at 250.  Hmmm....I don't know.  Maybe I need to aim to be that by April 1.  I guess I need to think it through more.  So by December of this year I could be at 200 lbs.  And what sucks is that still won't be good enough.  I will have to be at 199.  ha.  :-)  

And I wonder what WILL be good enough ultimately.  I look back at all these pictures of myself and think - WOW -- I looked great!  But I know that at the time I felt huge and fat and ugly.  And that sucks.  I know it is getting way ahead of myself, but I think about that a lot.  I would imagine even after losing weight (let's say I  hit an ideal or near ideal weight by medical standards - not my own) that I would still have a ridiculously awful stomach from carrying so much weight for so long.  And what about my arms?  And everything else for that matter?  My thighs?  I don't know.

And really, how stupid is of me to even waste time thinking about that when I still have to lose the weight?!  SO stupid.

But I do it anyway.  Can't help it.  :-/

And I can't believe I have lost 66 pounds since Oct 1, 2010 (including a pregnancy).   I just wish I could see it!!!  I can feel it sometimes.  I do feel better.  I notice it with little things -- like sitting in certain chairs or whatever.  And of, course, my clothes fit differently.  Some are too big.  I can fit into some things I couldn't fit into in quite some time.  But I still haven't been able to go buy new jeans.  I am still in between I guess and my thighs need to catch up to my stomach, hips and butt!  Ugh.  I did throw away panties that were just way too big.  I am 2 sizes down there.  And yet not enough down for new pants.  See -- must be the thighs!  ha.  I hadn't thought about it that way before.

So onward and downward!  If nothing else goes my way in 2012 -- this weight thing WILL go my way.  Totally.  HAS TO.  I have come so far and worked so hard to get here.  It just HAS to.

Anyone else have set weight loss goals for the New Year?

Fudge - Crisis Averted!

Here we go -- right into Christmas.  I cannot believe Christmas Eve is tomorrow.  It does not, at all, feel remotely like Christmas to me.  So weird.  Strange and sad, too.

Anyway, so far I have been completely fine.  Thank you neighbors for NOT bring us cookies and baked goods! Ha.  My husband was given some homemade fudge this morning from a student he tutors.  I did have a bite.  Lucky for me it wasn't even good!  Whew, crisis averted!

We did, however, receive a box of See's Candy last week.  See's is a weakness.  Christmas is really the only time I stumble across it in one way or another.  And I was bad.  I don't even know how much I ate.  I accounted for it in my daily calories though.  I guess was saved me was that it was a special holiday box and they had those weird lemon ones in them.  No -- don't put lemon in my chocolate.  Blech.

Tomorrow I will bake the mandatory sugar cookies for crazy amounts of icing and sprinkles for my daughter. Luckily, those are not a temptation.

I managed to NOT get on the scale this morning.  I think that is a good thing.

I am finally out of work until January 3 so I have time to do a little research and homework and get my meal plans figured out.  So that is a goal of mine in addition to all the house clean-up organizing I hope to do.  I think I need to do the morning protein shakes.  I need more protein in my diet and the shakes are no brainer breakfasts once I get them figured out again and work them into my morning.   And the rest I will figure out.  I just really need to focus on good, healthy foods.  Filling, yet low calorie.  The calorie budget is the hardest to deal with.

I also plan to clean up/out the garage next week.  We want to put exercise equipment in it.  I have to start working out or this weight loss is going to stop.  It can't be diet alone.  My husband went to the doc and doc wants him to lose 10 more lbs (he's lost 10 since July....baby weight?!).  Oh, how I wish the doctor said that to me.  10 lbs.  Um, yeah!!!

So those are my goals at the moment.  Onward we go.

Have To Be Better About Updating, Among Other Things

I had a couple of bad food days.  I need to get my meals better planned out so I'm not so darn hungry.  And I am frustrated because I don't lose weight without being at 1200-1300 calories.  I just need to stay on it.  And through the holidays no less.  

Oy.  

So standing at 299.  

More update soon!!

Adios 300s!!!!

I did it!!  I FINALLY hit my 299 goal!!!  It was a big one for me.  Oddly enough, it didn't feel as good as I thought to see the number when I got on the scale.  Yesterday morning I got on and saw 298.  This morning 299.  Honestly, I think yesterday I was simply much more dehydrated!    AND I got to the 298 despite a couple of glasses of wine Saturday night.  I haven't had a glass of wine in over year because of the pregnancy and I worried the whole time about the calories and the potential impact on the scale.  Well, I still made it.  :-)

I will update my weight on a weekly (Monday) basis now.  What I have on my page now is just what I kept track of via my phone and sometimes there is a gap between time and sometimes the weigh-ins were day(s) apart.  Silly.  Obsessive.  I know.  I don't know that I will actually stay off the scale everyday -- but I will only post Mondays and try to ease myself off of weighing in everyday.

My weight fluctuates like crazy and can go up and down in a day by a pretty large amount.  So my fear would be seeing a 3 as the first number again.  I CANNOT go there.  Not even for a day.  More incentive to stay off the scale for a couple of days.  Seeing that would be a huge emotional blow.

So, I hit my 324 goal.  And my biggest one was the 299.  Now what?  Hmmm.... I need to figure it out.  Maybe by total loss and not a rounded number.  Like right now I am at 57 lbs total lost.  So I can gear the next mini-goal for 75 total loss -- which would be 18 lbs away at 281 lbs.  Or maybe do even increments -- 275/250/225, etc.  Hmmm, have to think on it.  Whatever.  I will do that and figure it out soon.

I kind of wonder what number will make me happy.  I mean -- ultimately.  What is reasonable to aim for?  I'm not sure.  I am a LONG ways from it regardless so I suppose it is not something I have to concern myself with right now.  I just wonder when I will look at the scale and be really thrilled.  I thought 299 would thrill me.  I really did.  And it was very -- anticlimactic.  Kind of like finishing my law degree.  Soooo many years and soooo much work and I got it and it was so incredibly anticlimactic.  I wonder if it is because I tend to seek others recognition and approval along the way.  Why can't I just be happy myself and not concerns myself with others?  I have been complaining to my husband in utter frustration that no one notices the weight loss.  How pathetic and disgusting am I that I can lose 57 pounds and no one notices?!  My husband will say he notices.  But he wouldn't say anything to the contrary anyway regardless of my weight.  My mom says she can notice in my face and my booty.  No one else has noticed and/or said anything.  And for some reason that really bugs me.  And, of course, I am doing this for myself and for my children, BUT..... um, hello -- no one says anything.  And I suppose I am being.... I don't know.... childish?  No.  Pathetic (kind of).  Desperate (there it is!) in wanting/needing that recognition or whatever, but still.  It is what it is.  When I know those same people certainly talk trash or give me the looks and start judging away on me, wouldn't they notice that my fat ass is a little less fat.  I mean -- come on now.... 57 lbs.  It just bugs me.  I guess it will take a lot more.  I know someone will say something eventually.  Especially my family.  But my guess it that it won't come out right and it will still end up serving as a face slap.  Just a hunch!

I am so desperately wanting to take the weight off right this minute.  I want results and I want them NOW.  Which I know is ridiculous because it took a while to put the weight on.  It isn't just going to disappear over night.  I just wreak of desperation, right?

And I feel sooooo out of control with it.  Like I don't have enough control and confidence to keep losing and know why I am losing and how I am losing.  Instead I feel like it is all a game of chance.  And I need a solid plan in place.  Maybe something I don't have to give so much thought to.  Like certain meals that I can just regularly go to without having to think about it and count the calories.

In my first 7 weeks of dieting pre-pregnancy, I was doing strict calorie counting.  I never omitted anything.  One day I spent far too much time trying to pin down the calories in a Halloween tootsie roll.  Talk about incentive to skip it all together!  If I grabbed one bite of something for my husband or daughter you'd better believe I would go hunt down the calories on it.  And I overestimated to err on the side of caution.  And so my calorie limit then was 1200.  I dropped 27 lbs in 7 weeks.  It was awesome.  But I was hungry!!!  I would be sooooo scared to creep up on that 1200 mark.  I would NEVER go over.  I would be proud of myself when I was done for the day at 900 calories.

It doesn't feel so easy now.  I ate well during the pregnancy.  A week after I was being very aware of what I ate and yet not really calorie counting.  As soon as I stopped breastfeeding and pumping I started counting again.  I have been using the myfitnesspal app on my phone.  Pretty darn handy!!   It is my best friend and worst enemy.  I started with a 1400 calorie limit.  I reduced it after the Thanksgiving travel weekend to 1300. I am almost ready to go back to 1200.  I just don't want to do it before I figure things out more because I will beat myself up too much if I exceed the calorie count.  Damn myfitnesspal!  :-P

Okay -- off to give this whole thing more thought.  I need to set goals and rewards for those goals.  I need a plan.  I need to find my protein shake recipe because I am really bad about my protein intake.

More later!

2 Pounds Down

I went from 304 yesterday to 302 even this morning.  I'm back on top of it.  See -- I merely needed to start this blog again and, poof, progress!

My mission: get to 299 by Monday morning!!!  Okay, preferably tomorrow morning but I will say Monday to curb the disappointment should I not see the number tomorrow.  

I want to say adios to the 3's sooooooooooooo bad.  So, so, so, so bad.  


I am not sure when I even went from 299 into the 300s.  I know I lost 50 lbs and got down to 220 for a split second in 2002.  I could not and did not maintain that low for long.  I have NO clue when I was below 200.  High school sometime.  Eh -- early high school.  I know I had to be over that by my senior year.  I think.  Hmmm.  I don't know.  I didn't take a scale to college with me.  So I know I didn't weigh myself my first year there.  So let's see -- I can pin point 270 around 2001...which got me dieting and down to 220.  I was seriously addicted to spinach then.  I would eat it constantly.  With a light balsamic dressing.  I would have bowls of it.  I only WISH I could love it as much now as I did then.  And I lived with a roommate while attending law school and I would pick up a chicken sandwich or whatever while I was out (something fast food) and I would never, ever finish it.  I would give it to him.  It was a good roommate arrangement diet.  :-)
I got married in Jan of 2004 and I am thinking I was 275-280 kind of range.  Maybe I was closer to 250s.  I can't remember.  Next think I know I was at 324.  For a LONG time.  Weight would fluctuate a little up and down but 324 was pretty much the magic number from at least 2006 when I was pregnant with my first daughter, until probably early 2010 and I packed on pounds.  Then October 2010 I began dieting like a mad woman when the scale stopped reading my weight at 355 and then, POOF, I got pregnant.  I started trying earlier that summer to get pregnant and at that point I didn't think it was going to happen for me again.  So 27 pounds lost in 7 weeks, then the positive pregnancy test.  And then 16 pound gain and then the rest of the loss to date.  

It HAS to stick this time.  It must.  For myself and for my girls.  I have to lead by example.  Then again, my mom is as thin as can be.  I have pictures of her in a bikini looking gorgeous and holding my younger sister when she was no more than a year old.   It's not like she set a bad example for me and look at me now.

We always had dinner at the dinner table with the family.  Always had healthy lunches packed.  I was never the kid with fruit punch in their lunch box.  No chips.  No Kool Aid in the house.  Go figure.  Who knows what happened.

PCOS happened somewhere along the way.  My sister has it as well and for the first time ever her weight has surpassed mine.  I also have hypothyroid.  

Anyway -- thanks for reading through my thought process (if you made it this far).

The point to that whole thing: I want to say goodbye to the 3s forever!!!  


I am 53 pounds down and it is barely noticeable to people.  Embarrassing.  BUT, I do feel better.  I can see a difference in my booty.  There are three pairs of pants I have had in my closet that I haven't worn in ages and I can wear them now.  That feels really good.  I can see the weight loss in my face from time to time when I look in the mirror.  So it is good.  I just really need to see a 2 as the leading number when I get on the scale next.  I really need to see it to keep me going.

How is everyone else doing?

I think I need to go back to protein shakes in the morning.  But after a year -- I don't even remember my own recipe!!!  What are any of you doing for breakfast?  I need quick and easy.