I'm Baaaacckkk.

How ironic that my last post was on 2012 goals.  And then poof -- disappeared in 2012.  

Well, 2012 has been one of the worst years ever for me so far on so many levels.  

And yet I have my two beautiful daughters -- without question the sunshine in life, and so this crappiness has to stop. NOW.  So much of this year has been completely out of my control but now it is time to take control back.  

I did SO much better when I kept a blog.  I do SO much better when I track my calories, etc. on myfitnesspal app.  I kept with the app for a while but fell off the wagon again. 

I weighed in this morning at 295.  I left here last at 289.  I got down to 283 or 282 for a split second and generally maintain around 291/292.  

So back on it.  Life sometimes feels just overwhelmingly difficult and weight loss is certainly not an easy thing to do and this little private (and yet soooo public) forum is an awesome support system that I really need and miss.  

For today I am going to go visit all the blogs I follow and maybe find some new ones and try to get my head in the right place to get back on track and stay back on track.  

Wish me luck (PLEASE!).  I really need it.  

Thanks. :-)

Goals for 2012

Not that I have any specific weight loss goals for 2012, but I'd better start thinking about them!  My blanket goal: lose a grip of weight!!!

So far, so good. I was 295 at my last 2011 weigh-in and yesterday weighed in at 289.  I'll take 6 lbs in the new year.  At least something is going right (whew -- but that would be an entirely different blog!).

I wonder how realistic it is to keep up with this pace.  I don't know.  So let's say just to get to 250.  That would be awesome.  That would be 105 lbs down from my highest weight.  I am 39 lbs away from that.  So what is a realistic time for that?  Like 4 months?  Geez -- I am so impatient... that seems like so long.  So by May 1 of this year I would be at 250.  Hmmm....I don't know.  Maybe I need to aim to be that by April 1.  I guess I need to think it through more.  So by December of this year I could be at 200 lbs.  And what sucks is that still won't be good enough.  I will have to be at 199.  ha.  :-)  

And I wonder what WILL be good enough ultimately.  I look back at all these pictures of myself and think - WOW -- I looked great!  But I know that at the time I felt huge and fat and ugly.  And that sucks.  I know it is getting way ahead of myself, but I think about that a lot.  I would imagine even after losing weight (let's say I  hit an ideal or near ideal weight by medical standards - not my own) that I would still have a ridiculously awful stomach from carrying so much weight for so long.  And what about my arms?  And everything else for that matter?  My thighs?  I don't know.

And really, how stupid is of me to even waste time thinking about that when I still have to lose the weight?!  SO stupid.

But I do it anyway.  Can't help it.  :-/

And I can't believe I have lost 66 pounds since Oct 1, 2010 (including a pregnancy).   I just wish I could see it!!!  I can feel it sometimes.  I do feel better.  I notice it with little things -- like sitting in certain chairs or whatever.  And of, course, my clothes fit differently.  Some are too big.  I can fit into some things I couldn't fit into in quite some time.  But I still haven't been able to go buy new jeans.  I am still in between I guess and my thighs need to catch up to my stomach, hips and butt!  Ugh.  I did throw away panties that were just way too big.  I am 2 sizes down there.  And yet not enough down for new pants.  See -- must be the thighs!  ha.  I hadn't thought about it that way before.

So onward and downward!  If nothing else goes my way in 2012 -- this weight thing WILL go my way.  Totally.  HAS TO.  I have come so far and worked so hard to get here.  It just HAS to.

Anyone else have set weight loss goals for the New Year?