Adios 300s!!!!

I did it!!  I FINALLY hit my 299 goal!!!  It was a big one for me.  Oddly enough, it didn't feel as good as I thought to see the number when I got on the scale.  Yesterday morning I got on and saw 298.  This morning 299.  Honestly, I think yesterday I was simply much more dehydrated!    AND I got to the 298 despite a couple of glasses of wine Saturday night.  I haven't had a glass of wine in over year because of the pregnancy and I worried the whole time about the calories and the potential impact on the scale.  Well, I still made it.  :-)

I will update my weight on a weekly (Monday) basis now.  What I have on my page now is just what I kept track of via my phone and sometimes there is a gap between time and sometimes the weigh-ins were day(s) apart.  Silly.  Obsessive.  I know.  I don't know that I will actually stay off the scale everyday -- but I will only post Mondays and try to ease myself off of weighing in everyday.

My weight fluctuates like crazy and can go up and down in a day by a pretty large amount.  So my fear would be seeing a 3 as the first number again.  I CANNOT go there.  Not even for a day.  More incentive to stay off the scale for a couple of days.  Seeing that would be a huge emotional blow.

So, I hit my 324 goal.  And my biggest one was the 299.  Now what?  Hmmm.... I need to figure it out.  Maybe by total loss and not a rounded number.  Like right now I am at 57 lbs total lost.  So I can gear the next mini-goal for 75 total loss -- which would be 18 lbs away at 281 lbs.  Or maybe do even increments -- 275/250/225, etc.  Hmmm, have to think on it.  Whatever.  I will do that and figure it out soon.

I kind of wonder what number will make me happy.  I mean -- ultimately.  What is reasonable to aim for?  I'm not sure.  I am a LONG ways from it regardless so I suppose it is not something I have to concern myself with right now.  I just wonder when I will look at the scale and be really thrilled.  I thought 299 would thrill me.  I really did.  And it was very -- anticlimactic.  Kind of like finishing my law degree.  Soooo many years and soooo much work and I got it and it was so incredibly anticlimactic.  I wonder if it is because I tend to seek others recognition and approval along the way.  Why can't I just be happy myself and not concerns myself with others?  I have been complaining to my husband in utter frustration that no one notices the weight loss.  How pathetic and disgusting am I that I can lose 57 pounds and no one notices?!  My husband will say he notices.  But he wouldn't say anything to the contrary anyway regardless of my weight.  My mom says she can notice in my face and my booty.  No one else has noticed and/or said anything.  And for some reason that really bugs me.  And, of course, I am doing this for myself and for my children, BUT..... um, hello -- no one says anything.  And I suppose I am being.... I don't know.... childish?  No.  Pathetic (kind of).  Desperate (there it is!) in wanting/needing that recognition or whatever, but still.  It is what it is.  When I know those same people certainly talk trash or give me the looks and start judging away on me, wouldn't they notice that my fat ass is a little less fat.  I mean -- come on now.... 57 lbs.  It just bugs me.  I guess it will take a lot more.  I know someone will say something eventually.  Especially my family.  But my guess it that it won't come out right and it will still end up serving as a face slap.  Just a hunch!

I am so desperately wanting to take the weight off right this minute.  I want results and I want them NOW.  Which I know is ridiculous because it took a while to put the weight on.  It isn't just going to disappear over night.  I just wreak of desperation, right?

And I feel sooooo out of control with it.  Like I don't have enough control and confidence to keep losing and know why I am losing and how I am losing.  Instead I feel like it is all a game of chance.  And I need a solid plan in place.  Maybe something I don't have to give so much thought to.  Like certain meals that I can just regularly go to without having to think about it and count the calories.

In my first 7 weeks of dieting pre-pregnancy, I was doing strict calorie counting.  I never omitted anything.  One day I spent far too much time trying to pin down the calories in a Halloween tootsie roll.  Talk about incentive to skip it all together!  If I grabbed one bite of something for my husband or daughter you'd better believe I would go hunt down the calories on it.  And I overestimated to err on the side of caution.  And so my calorie limit then was 1200.  I dropped 27 lbs in 7 weeks.  It was awesome.  But I was hungry!!!  I would be sooooo scared to creep up on that 1200 mark.  I would NEVER go over.  I would be proud of myself when I was done for the day at 900 calories.

It doesn't feel so easy now.  I ate well during the pregnancy.  A week after I was being very aware of what I ate and yet not really calorie counting.  As soon as I stopped breastfeeding and pumping I started counting again.  I have been using the myfitnesspal app on my phone.  Pretty darn handy!!   It is my best friend and worst enemy.  I started with a 1400 calorie limit.  I reduced it after the Thanksgiving travel weekend to 1300. I am almost ready to go back to 1200.  I just don't want to do it before I figure things out more because I will beat myself up too much if I exceed the calorie count.  Damn myfitnesspal!  :-P

Okay -- off to give this whole thing more thought.  I need to set goals and rewards for those goals.  I need a plan.  I need to find my protein shake recipe because I am really bad about my protein intake.

More later!